


ShinChoo

by DaifukuBun



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: How Do I Tag This, I'm so sorry, M/M, Other, complete and utter crack, hot yaoi xxx, shampoo fucking?????????? what the fuck am i doing with my life, uh?????????????????, what the fuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-04-09 11:10:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4346318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaifukuBun/pseuds/DaifukuBun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"A-ah, Shampoo-san..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Robotic Nipple

He's so fucking sweaty. His feet are sweating. His leghairs are sweating. Want to know why he's so sweaty? Because his name is Shinji, that's why, and Shinjis sweat a lot. When he walks, his socks make a squishy sound. Gross.

Shinji is in a grocery store. It's three in the morning. Sweat is leaking everywhere. People are screaming.

“I need some soap.” he says to the man who's eating cashews out of a greasy can. There is also a worm in the can. Gross.

“Wha?”

“I need some soap. This fucking asshole stole all of mine.” Shinji says, leaking sweat out of his nose. He hasn't taken a shower in six months. The asshole kept stealing all of his fucking soap. Goddamnit.

“Well shit.” says the Nut Man. He keeps eating cashews. Shinji proceeds to Shinji nervously, before turning around and walking farther into the store, leaving a river of sweat everywhere he goes. There are waterfalls coming from his shorts. He really needs some fucking soap.

The first aisle smells like cheese and nobody knows why. It is not the cheese aisle, but now it's the sweat aisle, since Shinji walked into it. Who the fuck is going to clean all of this up???

There are a bunch of small toys sitting on shelves. One of them is a cool looking robot. Fuck. Shinji wants the robot. He looks left and right, spraying sweat in both directions. There is no one but the Nut Man, who is doing sit-ups on the sweaty floor.

Shinji grabs the small robot. He puts it in his shirt, and it creates a robot-looking lump in the fabric. God, he's a genius. He leaves the aisle, feeling proud of himself, and everyone who passes by slips in his sweat too quickly to notice the thing under his shirt. Shinji is invincible.

Where the fuck is the soap.

Oh, there it is. In the aisle that says soap. Okay. Wait no. That's shampoo. Is there a difference? He doesn't know. Shinji turns around, leaking sweat like a broken sprinkler.

But WAIT.......

He stops walking. Is it a crime to defy god? While the world tells you to lather your body in soap, why not... The robot almost falls out of his shirt. His breath quickens.

Once more, Shinji turns and gazes heatedly at the shampoo. It leers back at him. Oh my god. OH my god. He's. In love. It stands out amongst all the other shampoos, white and silky and trapped in a curvacious bottle. The best shampoo in the world, right here.

Shinji walks slowly as if to not startle a gentle fawn. He still leaks sweat everywhere, but gently. The store is flooded with gentle sweat, akin to his gentle heart... he allows his hands to move upward, and he caresses the bottle.

_Beautiful._

He swallows, shuddering, and cradles the bottle in his sweaty palms. 

_Take me home._

Shinji begins to cry sweat. “Yes.” he whispers. “Anything you want.”

Quickly, he stuffs the bottle into his high-waisted pants and leaves the aisle. This is what he came for. This is what he wanted all along. No soap, no. Only... the truest of loves. His heart skips a beat.

Shinji begins to run. He's smiling so bright, the bottle bouncing rhythmically in his high-waisted nerd pants. The robot in his shirt bounces, too.

And then he gets punched in the fucking ass.

“Hey yo you have to pay for that.” growls the Nut Man, doing a handstand. Shinji rubs his sore ass.

“Pay for what?” he asks.

“Whatever the fuck is in your shirt and pants.”

“No, you are mistaken.” Shinji explains, holding a sagely palm in the air. He shuts his eyes, smiling a wise smile.

“The fuck are you on.”

“For you see...” Shinji continues, opening his eyes once more and folding his arms. He gestures to his pants, where the shampoo rests, long and girthy. “This is only my monster dong.”

“Fuck man.”

“And this,” he points to the bulge in his shirt, “is merely my brand new robotic nipple. Please don't make fun of it. I'm very sensitive about it, there was a tragic nipple accident.”

The Nut Man begins to cry. His tears look like peanut butter. “Oh, fuck, man. I know how you feel.” he says, lifting up his shirt. Shinji stares in fascination. There are no nipples on his curly chest, only two sad faces drawn in marker where his nipples should be. “I lost mine to the sun.”

“I'm so sorry for your loss.”

“How did you lose yours?”

“Taxes.” Shinji says.

“Fucking taxes...” The Nut Man growls. Then, he smiles. There are nuts in his teeth. “I wish you luck on your journey.” he says, waving. With high spirits, Shinji nods, turning on his merry way and running in front of a bunch of cars in the parking lot. 

The robot falls out of his shirt. Shinji doesn't give a fuck, he just found his true love.  _  
_

 


	2. Beefy Moaning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sin.

Fuck. Fuckity-fuck. Fucking fucking fucktrucks.

Shinji lied to the Nut Man. He’s a filthy sinner. As he walks home, dripping a sea of sweat into the sweltering concrete, he cries. The shampoo in his pants, solid and cold and bottle-like, because it’s a bottle, caresses his thighs with every step he takes. Normally this would be great, but at the moment Shinji feels like a pile of sinful, lying shit.

Shinji Ikari does not have a monster dong. He weeps, feeling the fucking huge anime tears slide down his cheeks. He would give anything for a monster dong.

He stops, creating a lake of sweat and tears. The sky is kind of pretty, isn’t it? It reminds him of blue toothpaste. Using his sweaty arms, he wipes his tears away.

The world goes dark. Shinji blinks, squinting his potato-brown eyes. An eclipse, something covering the sun… gaS P. It’s a hot air balloon. However, it’s not just any hot air balloon. Shinji’s jaw drops in awe, as the planet is shrouded in a suggestively-shaped shadow.

A monster dong. Floating through the sky, pink in color and gargantuan in size. Shinji claps his hands together, and to the deity in the sky he begins to pray to the God of Genitals.

Then he gets bored and goes home.

In his head speaks a voice. _Don’t fuck the shampoo, Shinji._

“Who are you?” Shinji says to the voice. He rips his shirt off of his torso, dropping its shreds into the trashcan. The truth is revealed. Both nipples are intact. Fucking liar.

_It is I, the Nut Man._

“Nut Man I think you need to fuck off.” says Shinji, kicking his sweaty, dripping shoes off his feet.

_No one tells Kaji to fuck off. No but seriously man, don’t fuck the shampoo._

“Kaji!” Shinji gasps. He pulls down his stupid fucking nerd pants, and Shampoo-san topples to the floor.

_Yes. It is I._

“I thought you were dead.”

_I live on in the nuts of men and trees._

“Right on. Sorry about your nipples man. But I really gotta go.”

 _You’ve been warned_. says Kaji, before he fucking dies. A single tear rolls down Shinji’s sweaty, naked cheek. Kaji was a good bro to bro around with.

But Shinji has better things to do than cry about a bro once living. He grabs a pair of scissors off the bathroom counter and sets about cutting off heart-patterned speedo he wears every day. And at last, after all these years, the peen is free. It bounces into the sweaty bathroom air like some kind of weird, alien boner. Except, it’s not an alien boner. It’s a Shinji boner, which is almost worse.

Of course, he still has no monster dong. The balloon in the sky lied. Shinji bends down to retrieve Shampoo-san, who he frowns at guiltily.

“I hope I’ll be able to please you.”

Shampoo says nothing. Shinji tries not to cry. Instead, he unscrews the cap and inhales the sexual aroma of………………………………………………………... strawberry milkshake. He takes a moment to stare, before he sheathes his wang inside the sudsy bottle like it’s a silly birthday hat. It’s kind of like he’s losing his virginity to a strawberry, except this is much more gross. Shampoo goes everywhere, down his legs in slimy chunks and tapping onto the bathroom floor. Almost immediately he feels his legs give out, and he slides to his knees, clenching his eyes shut.

_“A-ah, Shampoo-san…”_

The soft pink flows to the floor in a series of really sweaty waterfalls. He dips his finger in the sudsy mess and then sticks it in his mouth because that’s always attractive. It tastes like a sour ass. Nothing like a strawberry milkshake. Still, he loves Shampoo-san anyway. Who goes through life without lying once? Not him, and certainly not Shampoo-san. It seems they’re two peas in a pod, except one pea is fucking the other pea in a sweaty bathroom.

Yes, a true majesty has taken place here today, friends. Shinji Ikari has become one with his true love… and after only three and half tiny, loving thrusts, he cums. Fucking noob. God.

A few moments pass in which he catches his breath, caressing the bottle positioned at his crotch. There’s no more sweat. The inside of the bottle is now a gradient of faded pink to white; strawberry milkshake, indeed. And he smiles. Finally, someone to treat Shinji well. He sets about withdrawing his flaccid meat wand, but then………….. uh-oh.

A pair of horny brown eyes snap open, and in mortification Shinji stares at the shampoo-stained wall. He tugs once more, and Shampoo-san refuses to budge.

“Shampoo-san…” Shinji murmurs, his eyelids falling. He breathes deeply, his cheeks a deep flush. “I need you to let go.”

There’s no response.

“Shampoo-san.”

A single drop of pink shampoo slides to the floor. Shinji bites his lip, before he fucking PULLS FUCKING OW DON’T DO THAT. He screams a beefy scream. Shinji remembers back to his junior high education. Never stretch your dongle, his sex ed teacher had said. Shinji should have listened.

With shaky legs, he stands and waddles out of the bathroom with his legs spread gracefully. Just. Just walking with this shampoo bottle dangling on his dick. All of the windows are open. Instead of sweat, shampoo floods the floor. Shinji reaches the kitchen, and when he does the shampoo bottle does a little jiggle. He grabs his diamond-studded cell phone.

“Yes hello.” he says upon dialing a number. “Hospital people, I fucked up.”

There’s panic on the other end of the line, and soon it goes dead. Within minutes, a hotdog truck-stand-thing vrooms in front of his house. Shinji rips open the door and stands for the whole world to see, legs in an upside-down ‘U’ formation with the bottle hanging off his cinnamon stick.

“There’s no time to explain!” screams Pen-Pen from the driver’s seat of the hotdog machine. “Get in the car!”

And he runs. Shinji crosses his front lawn and with every step Shampoo-san slaps him in the stomach. He jumps into the back of the truck, and as soon as there’s a thump it starts to go vroom vroom, vroom vroom down all the streets ever. A helicopter is chasing them for some reason. Pen-Pen makes a sharp left turn, and plastic bags filled with something white and powdery fly out the open back.

Soon they’re at the hospital, and Pen-Pen helps him out of the truck. “This is all I can do for you.” he says in his burly voice. “I wish you luck on your journey.”

With tears in his eyes, Shinji is reminded of Kaji’s bravery. He nods and salutes, and Pen-Pen vroom vrooms away in his hotdog-mobile.

The hospital is fucking huge but Shinji walks in anyway. Nobody really reacts to his embarrassing state, in fact there’s a guy over there in a corner with a can of beans stuck to his dick. He sits down, squishing shampoo into the waiting chair, and after a few minutes there are footsteps from some hall somewhere.

A guy with white hair combed into a stupid hairstyle skips into the waiting room. He stops, and Shinji gets a good look at his shirt… it’s white, and in big red block letters it reads ‘I’M FUCKING SEXY.’

“I’m looking for a… Shaun iCarly.” he says. His eyes then fall upon Shinji, and at the same time, both of their hearts go beep beep boop bop boop boop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> share if u cried


	3. Ride or Die

“Hi hey.” says the guy who is FUCKING SEXY.

Shinji blubbers for a second before saying what he wants to say. “I ate a pencil once!” 

The guy in the corner with the can of beans on his peepee screams in pain. Shinji considers himself quite lucky. Little does he know, the guy who is FUCKING SEXY is staring at him and his shampoo-laden dick like he’s the hottest thing in the world. I mean, shit man. Shinji is absolutely sizzling hotness right now.

“My name is Shinji.” the shampoo-fucker adds. 

“Sorry Shonjo.” says SEXY man. He then turns, and from behind a nearby wall pulls two tricycles. “Let’s ride.”

“What.”

“Ride.”

“What.”

“Get on the dang bike.” says SEXY, hopping on the other bike which is patterned with dinosaurs. Shinji gazes at the bike meant for him; a yellow tricycle. He thinks he should question it. But he doesn’t, because he was a shampoo bottle stuck to his dick. Instead, he stands, sloshing shampoo everywhere. He squats, then, and he and SEXY (maybe he should find out his actual name) set off down the hallway. 

As they ride, Shinji farts a little. 

“You’re not going to want this tricycle back.”

“Yes I am.”

“No you’re really not.”

“Trust me I am.”

Shampoo dribbles in a trail as their wheels squeak down the hall.

“Hey so what’s your name?”

“Kaleidoscope.”

 

-

 

Shinji yodels in anguish. The sound of his heart breaking resonates within the hospital wing. 

“I am sorry.”

“Is there really nothing you can do?”

Koala shakes his head, eyes sad. “I’m afraid… we’ll need the scissors.”

Shinji clenches his teeth. He stands from the examination table, Shampoo-san swinging with his wang. 

“Damn it!” he cries, punching the wall. A small crack appears in the plaster. “Even after all this time, after all the friends I’ve made, all the things I’ve been through, you expect me to leave Shampoo-san behind?!” 

Kangaroo shuts his eyes. “There is no other choice.” 

Shinji’s head whips toward the doctor in the nice shirt. “But that’s not the ninja way!” 

Doctor Koworoo lifts his leg in the air, for no reason whatsoever. Wow, long leg, long leg. He pulls a pair of scissors from his desk drawer, snip-snipping them in the air. Shinji backs into the wall, sweat pouring down his face in the shape of Shampoo-san. 

“If we could we would just pull Shampoo-san off your diddle.” Kool-aid says, looking to the side. He looks at Shinji, then, eyes in the shape of cumquats. “But that would rip your diddle.”

Shinji lets out a tearful cry. “Then rip off my diddle! I don’t want Shampoo-san to die!”

“As a doctor with a doctor degree I am not allowed to rip diddles.” 

Shinji clenches his fists, breathing deeply. Kookookachoo comes closer, scissors in hand. “Please, Shinjeroni. I’m just trying to help you.”

Shinji coughs a gross-sounding cough, before he looks up once more, tears springing from his eyes. “If you were in love, wouldn’t you sacrifice your diddle for that person?” he rasps. 

Kayak pauses, lowering the scissors. Shinji takes this as a sign to continue. “I know you would, don’t say you wouldn’t. You’re a white-haired anime boy, of course you’d sacrifice a diddle for what you care about.”

Kimberly looks at the floor, his eyes following a fucking huge ant. “Shinji-corn…” 

The and crawls into cabinet and shuts the door behind itself. Willing away his tears, Shinji looks the extremely handsome doctor in the eyes. “Kaworu-corn.” 

And then, he’s defeated. Karlos shuts his eyes, putting the scissors on his desk. “You realise that Shampoo-san won’t last long, living the rest of their life attached to your donger.” 

Shinji nods. “We’re prepared for that.” 

“Then I can’t make you stay here.”

In a beat, Shinji smiles, grateful. Shampoo-san smiles, too, and the couple leaves the room. 

Kabob thinks it’s the nicest smile he’s ever seen. “What the fuck.” he whispers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nnnnnNNNNNnNnnNnnnNNnNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnn-a-aaaahh~!


	4. Urine

SHampoo-san is with him everywhere.

Shinji goes to the market. Shampoo-san is in his pants. The cashier bites into an orange peel, staring at Shinji’s crotch. 

“Sick monster dong.”

“Thanks.” Shinji says. He strikes a neat pose, one where he’s real sexy or something. 

They are about to go on a date, he and Shampoo-san. He can’t fucking wait holy shit. “So I thought we could go skydiving.” he says to Shampoo-san, as he’s walking out of the supermarket. There’s no reply. “Thought it’d be a cool thing to do before you die.”

God damn, Shinji just reminded himself of the inevitable. He stops walking, dropping his bags onto the ground. Then, he curls up into the Shinji position.

“Fuck.”

 

-

 

First, they arrive at a fancy restaurant or some shit. Shinji dabs his way in, because he’s cool and down with the memes. 

_ “Table for two.”  _ Shampoo-san says. The waiter guy stops what he’s doing (eating Legos) and looks at Shinji, who is wearing a Shrek-colored suit. 

“Did your dick just fucking talk.” the waiter guy says, and Shinji SLAMS  fist onto the counter. 

“Ho w dARE YO U.” 

Shampoo-san starts to leak shampoo tears everywhere. Shinji is enraged. He punches the counter, again and again until his hand is all jacked up. 

“HOW DARE YOU CONFUSE MY DICK AND MY BELOVED SHAMPOO-SAN. I MEAN I KNOW THEY’RE BOTH GIRTHY AND ON MY CROTCH BUT DUDE THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR I’D LIKE TO SPEAK TO THHHE MANAGER.”

“What the fuck.”

“DO IT OR I’LL LEAVE A SHITTY REVIEW ON YELP.”

“Fuck okay man.”

 

-

 

It occurs to Shinji in a helicopter, 10,000 feet above the surface of the earth, that he has no idea how he’s supposed to take a piss now. 

“Are you ready to fuckign fly kid.” says the dude flying the helicopter. Shinji coughs, holding tight to the straps of his parachute. He doesn’t really have consent to piss inside Shampoo-san, and he doesn’t really want to in the first place either because he’s not even sure what that’s called like it’s some kinky shit. Shinji is just a man fresh out of the robot. He does not want any part of kinky shit.

“Hey uh does this helicopter have a bathro-”

“Kid are you ready to fCUGKING FLY.”

“Uh I guess-”

“Then FCUKINGGH FLY.”

The man drop kicks Shinji out of the helicopter. He immediately lets out a scream, kind of like that one scream he let out when he saw a giant naked Rei with wings. BOy was that a fucked up time in his life. 

“HOLY F U C K AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

“Shinji-corn.”

“-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

“Shinji-corn you must urinate.”

“KAWORU-CORN WHAT THE SHITTY DESCENDING FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE.”

“Oh I like to astral project into the sky on weekends.”

“OH COOL OKAY UH HOW DO I ACTIVATE THIS PARACHUTE.”

“What makes you think I’d know Shinji-corn I”m a doctor guy not a parachute guy. Farewell.”

And the Kaworu-corn is gone. Shinji continues to scream, but this time he decides not to scream out an entire paragraph of capitalized A’s. No, instead, he kicks his legs and flails his arms, eyes open toward the sun, he realizes just how blue the sky can be and thinks of another time when it had been red, and he--

He pees. 10,000 fucking feet above the fucking earth, he takes a magnum piss, and with the force of so much urine, Shampoo-san rockets off his weenie, ascending into the sky and being FUCKING OWNED by the blades of the helicopter before. Like, Shampoo-san was fucking smacked into oblivion, catapulting toward the distant mountains to their imminent grave. It was pretty rad not gonna lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> he didn't even get to put shampoo-san in his ass how tragic


	5. The Fuckening

“Hi my name is Shinji MOnster Dong Shit-man Ikari and I have short, shit-colored hair (that’s how I got my name) with anime spikes in the front because I am an anime and cloudy blue eyes like dishwater and a lot of people tell me I look like a protagonist. I’m not related to Hideaki Anno but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I am not straight and also I am not white. I have sweaty sticky skin. I’m also an Eva pilot, and I go to a torture school called Nerv in Japan where I’m the third child whatever that means. I’m a meme (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly high-waisted pants. My dad buys all my clothes for me. For example today I was wearing high-waisted pants again fuck you dad.”

It’s quiet in the funeral hall and everyone is crying, except for one guy doing pull-ups on the chandelier who stops for a second to say, “the fuck.” 

“Shampoo-san is dead have some fucking respect.” someone else says. The guy does pull-ups again. 

“Many people will tell me that it’s fucked up to fuck a bottle of shampoo.” Shinji says into the microphone. “And I”m here to tell you that I can fuck whatever I want goodbye.”

He leaves the funeral place behind, along with the ghost of Shampoo-san, since their body could not be found. 

Surprisingly, Shinji doesn’t really give a shit. Because he’s going to find Shampoo-san no matter what.

 

-

 

“Why are you buying all this goddamn shampoo?” asks the clerk at the store where Shinji first met Shampoo-san. He can’t see through his tears.

“Because.” he says, and he throws Monopoly money at the person, storming out of the store.

 

-

 

“Listen.” Shinji says to the gathering of shampoo bottles. “I need you to locate Shampoo-san.”

There is no response, because he is talking to like twelve shampoo bottles what the fuck. His wang feels empty without Shampoo-san’s embrace, and so angrily, he kicks the bottles away. 

“Anger will get you nowhere.”

Shinji stops, frozen. He has no idea who could be talking to him, because he’s in the middle of the fucking mountains. Maybe it was his conscience, or maybe it was the Nut Man. He turns around. 

No, it was Kaworu in a shampoo costume. 

“They have no souls Shinji-corn. It is a fruitless effort”

Shinji stares at the pasty guy in the middle of the woods. He’s not really sure why, but he looks extremely attractive like that. It’s probably the shampoo-bottle curves or whatever the fuck 

“Then how do I find them?” he asks, and Kaleidoscope proceeds to do a jazzy spin before explaining himself. 

‘I’ve been curious about shapoo-san all along because shampoo shouldn’t have a soul and also i’m really good at locating shampoo specifically, follow me.”

Shinji follows him. Little does he know, he’s about to get the plot twist of his fucking life. Like I mean you aren’t expecting this shit. It’s probably like the fucking opposite of what you’re expecting. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does shampoo-san have a penis

**Author's Note:**

> *** If I somehow offend anyone with this feel free to spray me with butter. ***


End file.
